Bhagavad Get me out of here

Bhagavad Get Me Out of Here

This last week was one of the hardest and possibly worst weeks of my semester. Nothing necessarily bad happened, but I'll get back to that later. This week's reading for the Bhagavad Gita was a very interesting one when I thought about it in respect to my Catholic faith. One of the most interesting things that Krishna told Arjuna that one of the best ways to practice yoga was to think about who Krishna was. That sounds an awfully similar to something that I was taught to do in my Christian faith. Many times I've sat down and pondered who God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit were and are. This leads me to a deeper understanding in my faith and brings me closer to my Lord. 

Another interesting part of the Bhagavad Gita that we both read and discussed in great detail was the idea that one will reach eternal joy by abandoning our senses. Hunter brought of the point that it seemed like this was not a selfless act, like foregoing one bonus for a bigger bonus later. However, I think that it is not this simple. I think that this reflects a Christian teaching that says that everything we do should be a way that we are glorifying God or some trait about Him. Through this, we have to detach ourselves from our senses, which will lead us into sins of gluttony and others, and think about our overall goal of reaching salvation. From this perspective, I think that it is very similar to what Christians are called to do in their faith, much as Hindus are called to do in theirs.

This week's in-class practice was a mixed experience. Tuesday, all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball while simultaneously studying, sleeping, and crying. I had had a giant Biblical Heritage midterm due that day, a Psychopathology exam that day, and a Psych Stats test the next day. For those of you that do not know, psych stats is just about the single hardest class that a psychology major has to take. This class is hard not only because of the hard material, but also because the professor is well into his 80s and becoming more senile by the minute. Many times he will ask us why the example he started on the board was not working or tell us the same stories multiple classes in a row verbatim. I digress. I was stressed out of my mind for this test and everything else I had to do, so I didn't feel like I had time for yoga. After the practice on Tuesday, however, it did help a ton. Thursday's practice was warmly welcomed because I had finished all of my exams and whatnot, so I was more than ready for a yoga session where I did not have to worry about anything. Finally, one thing that was almost a rude awakening was that my right split was basically flat, but it was nowhere close to being aligned correctly for yoga. For gymnastics and ballet, it was not considered that large of a deal if the hips were not squared. In yoga, this could not be more wrong. Needless to say, I now have something I can practice on. 

The out of class practice was also a challenge. Because I felt like I had no time, I was not able to practice yoga until after my exams had ended. The only exception to this was pranayama. I have had anxiety problems for a very long time in addition to having very large reactions to basically anything. Also, I was known to occasionally fall into a small spurt of depression or feel like I was on top of the world. Throughout the course of last week, I had four anxiety attacks. I had two Sunday, one Tuesday, and one Wednesday. This made me realize that it was time to talk to my doctor. The end result is that I suffer from bipolar II disorder with anxiety tendencies. I have been put on two mood stabilizers and an emergency medication for anxiety attacks. This could not be more helpful. I feel more leveled and even now, and my thoughts are not racing through my head all the time. The only thing that mildly helped through my anxiety attacks this last week was controlled breathing. Usually, with my attacks, it is just a waiting game until it's over. This, however, was how I was kept up until six in the morning the morning of my psych stats exam. I had a cover for my class on Tuesday, but then picked up someone else's class Wednesday and my own on Thursday. It felt so wonderful coming back to them and being able to teach unrestricted with no boot. Once everything slowed down, I was able to actually enjoy my practice of yoga, which was a wonderful feeling.

Until next time, my fellow yogis and yoginins,

Namasté,

Upward-facing Bear

Karm{at} me

Karm{at} me 

This week's in-class practice was a mixed experience. I was very glad to have a full week of yoga, having class on both Tuesday and Thursday. However, I was pretty sick this whole week. All I wanted to do was sleep and eat soup. College classes don't allow time for that. I ended up having to get subs for my Wednesday cycling class and my Thursday yoga class I teach. I was very refreshing to have a bit of a break and get to rest. Tuesday's class was wonderful. I loved having a class to dedicate to just restorative poses. This is something that I really needed. After class, I felt very rejuvenated and simultaneously ready for a nap. 

Thursday was a little hard for me to get through. Still feeling sick, I just wanted to savasana for the entire class period. However, I made myself participate. It didn't help too much, but I can at least say I did something. I am just getting over everything and feeling a whole lot better, so I cannot wait to come back full force. This also was my last week in my boot, so next week, I will be able to participate again fully. I've missed being able to do all the poses without worrying about my limitations. My first practice without a boot is going to be a very freeing feeling. 

My practice this week was also very limited. I only taught Tuesday. Of course, instead of making my life easier, God sent the difficult woman to my class again. This class just confirmed what I thought she was going to do and what her attitude was. Tuesday, I taught a small warm-up flow followed by a very short inversion session. For over half of the class, we were doing restorative poses. These poses were very simple and easy to do. However, she refused to do any of them. She would dramatically try the poses with very poor technique, all the while I was explaining them as slowly and simply as possible. No one else in the class had any difficulty with the poses. She was an exception. She seemed unable to do anything other than savasana, and even that seemed like a struggle for her, constantly moving around. As an instructor, I have no clue what to do with her. I strongly believe that anyone can do yoga if they have an open mind. I have even told her that she needs to open her mind to the possibility of yoga. Despite this, she still will not try or do anything. It would almost be better if she would stop coming to class because she is disturbing the other students. What should I do with her, other than try to scare her off with difficult poses, which would not be the right thing to do? 

The reading this week was very interesting. The Bhagavad Gita originally sounded like it would be a very difficult and dense read. This was not what I found to be true. The literature was fairly simple to read, despite it's highly philosophical content. One of the most interesting concepts was the idea of dharma. This is the idea that everyone has a certain calling to fulfill. At first, this idea drove me up the wall. I thought it was incredibly limiting, negating all human potential for change. After talking about this concept in class, however, I began to see this in a new light. To me, it now means that it is one's calling in the cosmic universe. Dharma is where your passion meets the world's need. This means that it is our ultimate calling in life, what God intended for us. Seeing it this way, it made a lot more sense. God has an ultimate calling and plan for each and every one of us.

The next idea that was important for me understand is the way for humans to come to be united with the Lord. In order for this to happen, one must give up all selfish desires. The Bhagavad Gita goes so far as to say that one must absolve all instances of "I, me, and my." This shows the ultimate goal of selflessness that seems nearly unobtainable to me. This idea goes so far as to suggest that there should be no concept of self, that we are just a part of the cosmic energy created and destined to be united with God. This is something that I have a long way to go before I reach anything near this level of dedication to God.

Until next time, my fellow yogis and yoginis.

Namasté,

Upward-facing Bear

Being Limber

Being Limber

The eight limbs of yoga are something that I have always been somewhat interested in. I became familiar with them some years ago when our World Cultures I class toured a Hindu temple. However, something that I just recently came to know and understand are the yamas. These five somewhat simple principles hold the key to leading a fulfilling life that impacts the world. Without realizing, I had been practicing the yamas (or trying to) for nearly my whole life. These were originally guided by my Christian beliefs and personal beliefs. 

The first and possibly most important yama to me is nonviolence. This is the largest reason why I went vegetarian in the first place and why I am transitioning into a vegan lifestyle. I believe that humans are put on this earth to care for and nurture it and its inhabitants. To do that, we must be inherently nonviolent and merciful. Next, one that I have chosen to practice from a very young age is celibacy. My Christian faith teaches me that I am to save myself for my future spouse. This is something that my fiancé and I have completely agreed on, which, in my opinion, has been one of the reasons why our relationship has worked out as well as it did. The renunciation of unnecessary possessions is something that I think the entire world could benefit from practicing. In Christian homes in North America alone, we have the funds to solve extreme global poverty, which is when someone is living on less than $1.25 a day. Currently, if everyone were to go on a vegetarian or vegan diet, we would have enough food to feed everyone. The problem is the way the food is distributed in excess to some populations while others have none at all. Overall, the yamas have proven to be one of the most interesting and important concepts I have learned through the yoga sutras

Class last week was great and greatly missed. Not having the class Thursday did free up a large chunk of my time, and I was able to go back to my apartment and take care of my cat at three rather than at 5 only to run back to campus in an hour to teach my yoga class. So, having the extra time was greatly appreciated. However, having this time to practice yoga, not teach, but practice, is something that I look forward to all week. You truly never realize how much you  enjoy something until you no longer can do it (which also applies to the cursed boot). 

The day we did have class was very enjoyable. The new twists are greatly appreciated, seeing as I have a naturally tight back that thoroughly enjoys being stretched out. Also, the longer savasana was wonderful. I really enjoy having time to meditate and still everything in my body to come to perceive the soul. There truly is no other feeling like that. One thing I would like to see in class is maybe some guided meditation, but mainly leg work to work towards getting in the splits. I have recently decided to follow a dream I always had of being a ballet dancer after having that dream thwarted at a very young age by my parents with staunch gender roles and ideas. My splits used to be beautiful and effortless while I was still cheering. However, since I have stopped cheering for a while, they have gotten a lot harder and not as flat.

My personal practice has continued to flourish thanks to this class. Every class I teach, I let the students ask any questions they have either about yoga or me. I have had more and more students asking questions about the origins and philosophy of yoga. After having taken this class, I feel like I can give my students a fuller experience that they would not be able to receive elsewhere. 

Also, in one of my classes, I had a woman greatly try my beliefs in nonviolence. While I was in the middle of teaching my class, she rolls up her mat and gets up. I was thinking "Okay, she must have somewhere to go or be, no biggie." However, she proceeds to come up to the front of the class where I am, in front of all of the students, and wait for me to finish what I was saying to talk to me. I finished instructing the students for the immediate poses and then dealt with her. She immediate came off very hostile and aggressive, asking if this is the structure of all of my classes because it was just "way too hard for her." The segment that she was protesting was an option of 3 different arm balance poses and preps that ranged greatly from beginner to expert and headstands that also included the preps. She was incredibly hostile telling me that I was not a good teacher and that she was leaving and not going to return, despite me offering to even give her a basic flow to go through one-on-one. She was apparently "years away" from doing any of the preps even. 

This woman was very impressive however, because she was able to judge how well I teach and what each and every class I teach will look like after coming to only two of my classes, not consecutively. Keep in mind that I had three first timers in the class that she said was too hard for her, and she had been practicing for a few months. So, needless to say, I had to focus on practicing nonviolence with her. It was very inspiring, however, to have many of my students apologize on her behalf and say that they would not have been able to handle her in such a good manner like I apparently did. There is a silver lining to everything.

Until next time, my fellow yogis and yoginis, 

Namasté,

Upward-facing Bear

Letting the Insides Become Outsides

Letting the Insides Become Outsides

The memoire, Yoga from the Inside Out, has really touched me and connected two things that I am very passionate about--eating disorders and yoga. Yoga has always been a passion of mine. I have practiced it for years and even came to teach it. Eating disorders, on the other hand, are something that I have recovered from and seek to help others recover from their own demons. Christina has done an absolutely amazing job incorporating these two things together. 

First, I absolutely loved all of the individual stories spread throughout the book. This helped open my eyes and let me see just how many people are effected by self-hated and poor body image. Even though this was a memoire focused on Christina, it offered courage and a means to recovery for those seeking to do so. I knew the statistic "Everyone knows someone affected by eating disorders," but reading many different accounts of women struggling with them really brings that into perspective. 

The most biggest reason why I loved this book was how much I relate to Christina. I understand  what she went through, which makes me believe that she would understand what I have been through as well. I also suffered from bulimia and, additionally, anorexia. It was also very interesting seeing that she tried her hand at triathlons, which is something that I am currently very passionate about and involved in. 

The section that she discussed the "Sleeping World" was a huge wake-up call (pun intended) for me. This really helped me to see the world in a new way, not as one world mixed with good and evil, but two separate worlds that overlap. The part that had the largest impact on me was, "The Sleeping World holds us hostage to ideals for the human body that are unrealistic, often unhealthy, and founded on a lack of respect for our essential worthiness or goodness" (Sell 19). This immediately brought me back to the times where I would starve myself for days, eat too much celery and punish myself with an eight-mile run, or binge and purge regularly out of the desire to obtain what I deemed to be a perfect body. My idea of a perfect body could not have been farther from the truth. 

When Christina speaks of a moment where she "woke up" from the Sleeping World, saying, "I thought to myself that I didn't even really like the way that she looked," reminded me of when I first realized that I was slowly becoming free from unreachable expectations(Sell 9). One day, I remember going through my usual "thinspo," or thin-speration, and thinking, "Wait, why am I looking at these skeletons and then going to lift weights? They look like their wrists would snap if they lifted anything more than five pounds. This was a moment that changed the way I looked at people. Now, I'm not saying that I was miraculously cured, but this shifted my view to a different body-type that one had to eat to accomplish. I still struggle with feeling inadequate or f*t (sorry, I don't use the f-word) at times, which can drag me down. However, I remember how far I have come and how low I have been. 

Finally, one of the hardest sections for me to read was the "Accepting 'What Is'" section. This is something that I have always struggled with, similar to Christina. The part that stood out the most to me was the quote, "When our body doesn't meet our expectations we criticize it, dress in ways that hide it, and try to manipulate our appearance through diets and exercise" (Sell 93). This is something that I have always struggled with and continue to struggle with. I am a naturally competitive person, so any time that someone is better than me, I always jump to the conclusion that I am simply not good enough. One of the prime examples of this is in my triathlon club. We have so many athletes that are incredibly gifted and athletic and ways I hope to be one day. They run and bike at incredibly aggressive paces that I can only dream of reaching. This embarrasses me, so much so that, at times, I have to skip practice for fear of looking pathetic and worthless. However, I usually can reach out to a friend to remind me how far I've come and that most of the other athletes have been raised in a distance-running family, while I am the only athlete in my family. 

Overall, this book was very touching and motivating to me. I look to Christina as an inspiration. I absolutely cannot wait to meet her. She gives me hope that one day, I can go to the gym and not compare my biceps to another guy's or go to yoga class and not be jealous of some girl's insane flexibility.  Until then, I'm just going to have to tough it out and remember that God gave me this body for a reason. Please thank Christina for me and tell her that her overcoming of hard times have given me hope to not just be "recovered" from anorexia and bulimia, but to eventually love the body I'm in. 

Until next time, my fellow yogis and yoginis, "May God bless you as you keep going"

Namasté,

Upward-facing Bear

Time to be Brave

Time to be Brave

Practice throughout these last few weeks has been very interesting. I have shifted much of the practice that I would have done externally to an internal practice and reflection. This has made me confront things that I have been trying to hide and suppress parts of who I am that I have been taught to hate. It is time to be brave and proud of who I am. 

I am bisexual.

Even just typing that makes my heart jump out of my chest and my hands shake. This is something that my parents have always taught me to hate. They took the side of Christianity that stood with "All gays burn in hell," so telling them would not be an option. Coming to dwell in my own true splendor is something very difficult when you're taught that not all of you is splendorous. The very few people that I have told have been very supportive. My fiancé thanked me for telling her, saying that it will allow her to love all of me. I am just still working on trying to find the splendor in the parts that would make my parents disown me. Needless to say, my practice just became a lot more complicated. However, realizing this has enabled me to start to come to terms with the way I was created, finding the splendor in every part of me. My journey has only just started, and these upcoming weeks where I'm still bound in my boot will allow me to meditate on this. 

Looking back and reflecting on the sutras has helped me come to terms with my new identity a little bit more. The first thing that stuck out to me was the vrtti of erroneous knowledge. I was raised to think a certain way. This preconceived notion has led to me try to hate part of who I am and deny myself an identity, even if the only reason I come to terms with it is so that I know who I fully am. My parents have imbued a string of erroneous knowledge in me, and this is the first step to recognizing the splendor of my being. 

Next, the sutra I.16 comes to mind. Me realizing an important aspect of myself feels like I have glimpsed at part of my soul and true nature. Without the meditation and practicing of yoga, I would not have been able to separate myself from my worldly fears. Maybe this was not a good idea. Maybe I am not avoiding future suffering for myself, but life has both suffering and pleasure. Sometimes, you have to endure the suffering to get to the pleasure. This vrtti has made me feel more confident in my realization, making me feel fuller in some sense, more complete. As much as I love How Yoga Works, it has not led me to some of the deeper realizations that the sutras have. However, How Yoga Works also has never given me a headache from too much thought. 

My participation in class this week has continued to surprise me. Yes, it does get incredibly annoying being limited to certain poses and being the only person not doing a certain pose, but this state is only temporary. One of the most exciting things that I have experienced in class was when we were planing good seeds for putting our legs behind our head. This is a pose that I even had doubts for me being able to do it. I knew that there was a way for me to work towards it, but I had no clue what the way was. This has gotten me incredibly excited for some of the most difficult poses, arm balances, and inversions that require one leg behind your head. 

One thing that would be nice would be to have a little more meditation time, guided or unguided. I have experienced breakthroughs in this class that I have not experienced before from Dr. Schultz's savasana. This has been true even more so after I came to terms with my sexual orientation. Whenever we are meditating, turning our senses inward to perceive the soul, I feel like I actually get there. There is a golden light deep in the darkness. Using my breath, I can make it brighter and brighter, filling all the darkness with a golden light that gives me peace. Once I realized that it was okay to be who I am, that light got blindingly bright and warm. Since then, I have felt more calmness and confidence in who I am. Just because I am in a heterosexual relationship does not mean that I would not have the capacity to fall in love with another man (heaven forbid something were to ever happen to Abby, who I firmly believe is my one, true love in life). I would greatly appreciate more practice in my meditation, so that I can continue to learn how to do it on my own and truely dwell in the splendor of my soul. 

Until next time, my fellow yogis and yoginis, be unapologetically brave.

Namasté,

Upward-facing Bear