Letting the Insides Become Outsides

Letting the Insides Become Outsides

The memoire, Yoga from the Inside Out, has really touched me and connected two things that I am very passionate about--eating disorders and yoga. Yoga has always been a passion of mine. I have practiced it for years and even came to teach it. Eating disorders, on the other hand, are something that I have recovered from and seek to help others recover from their own demons. Christina has done an absolutely amazing job incorporating these two things together. 

First, I absolutely loved all of the individual stories spread throughout the book. This helped open my eyes and let me see just how many people are effected by self-hated and poor body image. Even though this was a memoire focused on Christina, it offered courage and a means to recovery for those seeking to do so. I knew the statistic "Everyone knows someone affected by eating disorders," but reading many different accounts of women struggling with them really brings that into perspective. 

The most biggest reason why I loved this book was how much I relate to Christina. I understand  what she went through, which makes me believe that she would understand what I have been through as well. I also suffered from bulimia and, additionally, anorexia. It was also very interesting seeing that she tried her hand at triathlons, which is something that I am currently very passionate about and involved in. 

The section that she discussed the "Sleeping World" was a huge wake-up call (pun intended) for me. This really helped me to see the world in a new way, not as one world mixed with good and evil, but two separate worlds that overlap. The part that had the largest impact on me was, "The Sleeping World holds us hostage to ideals for the human body that are unrealistic, often unhealthy, and founded on a lack of respect for our essential worthiness or goodness" (Sell 19). This immediately brought me back to the times where I would starve myself for days, eat too much celery and punish myself with an eight-mile run, or binge and purge regularly out of the desire to obtain what I deemed to be a perfect body. My idea of a perfect body could not have been farther from the truth. 

When Christina speaks of a moment where she "woke up" from the Sleeping World, saying, "I thought to myself that I didn't even really like the way that she looked," reminded me of when I first realized that I was slowly becoming free from unreachable expectations(Sell 9). One day, I remember going through my usual "thinspo," or thin-speration, and thinking, "Wait, why am I looking at these skeletons and then going to lift weights? They look like their wrists would snap if they lifted anything more than five pounds. This was a moment that changed the way I looked at people. Now, I'm not saying that I was miraculously cured, but this shifted my view to a different body-type that one had to eat to accomplish. I still struggle with feeling inadequate or f*t (sorry, I don't use the f-word) at times, which can drag me down. However, I remember how far I have come and how low I have been. 

Finally, one of the hardest sections for me to read was the "Accepting 'What Is'" section. This is something that I have always struggled with, similar to Christina. The part that stood out the most to me was the quote, "When our body doesn't meet our expectations we criticize it, dress in ways that hide it, and try to manipulate our appearance through diets and exercise" (Sell 93). This is something that I have always struggled with and continue to struggle with. I am a naturally competitive person, so any time that someone is better than me, I always jump to the conclusion that I am simply not good enough. One of the prime examples of this is in my triathlon club. We have so many athletes that are incredibly gifted and athletic and ways I hope to be one day. They run and bike at incredibly aggressive paces that I can only dream of reaching. This embarrasses me, so much so that, at times, I have to skip practice for fear of looking pathetic and worthless. However, I usually can reach out to a friend to remind me how far I've come and that most of the other athletes have been raised in a distance-running family, while I am the only athlete in my family. 

Overall, this book was very touching and motivating to me. I look to Christina as an inspiration. I absolutely cannot wait to meet her. She gives me hope that one day, I can go to the gym and not compare my biceps to another guy's or go to yoga class and not be jealous of some girl's insane flexibility.  Until then, I'm just going to have to tough it out and remember that God gave me this body for a reason. Please thank Christina for me and tell her that her overcoming of hard times have given me hope to not just be "recovered" from anorexia and bulimia, but to eventually love the body I'm in. 

Until next time, my fellow yogis and yoginis, "May God bless you as you keep going"

Namasté,

Upward-facing Bear