Time to be Brave

Time to be Brave

Practice throughout these last few weeks has been very interesting. I have shifted much of the practice that I would have done externally to an internal practice and reflection. This has made me confront things that I have been trying to hide and suppress parts of who I am that I have been taught to hate. It is time to be brave and proud of who I am. 

I am bisexual.

Even just typing that makes my heart jump out of my chest and my hands shake. This is something that my parents have always taught me to hate. They took the side of Christianity that stood with "All gays burn in hell," so telling them would not be an option. Coming to dwell in my own true splendor is something very difficult when you're taught that not all of you is splendorous. The very few people that I have told have been very supportive. My fiancé thanked me for telling her, saying that it will allow her to love all of me. I am just still working on trying to find the splendor in the parts that would make my parents disown me. Needless to say, my practice just became a lot more complicated. However, realizing this has enabled me to start to come to terms with the way I was created, finding the splendor in every part of me. My journey has only just started, and these upcoming weeks where I'm still bound in my boot will allow me to meditate on this. 

Looking back and reflecting on the sutras has helped me come to terms with my new identity a little bit more. The first thing that stuck out to me was the vrtti of erroneous knowledge. I was raised to think a certain way. This preconceived notion has led to me try to hate part of who I am and deny myself an identity, even if the only reason I come to terms with it is so that I know who I fully am. My parents have imbued a string of erroneous knowledge in me, and this is the first step to recognizing the splendor of my being. 

Next, the sutra I.16 comes to mind. Me realizing an important aspect of myself feels like I have glimpsed at part of my soul and true nature. Without the meditation and practicing of yoga, I would not have been able to separate myself from my worldly fears. Maybe this was not a good idea. Maybe I am not avoiding future suffering for myself, but life has both suffering and pleasure. Sometimes, you have to endure the suffering to get to the pleasure. This vrtti has made me feel more confident in my realization, making me feel fuller in some sense, more complete. As much as I love How Yoga Works, it has not led me to some of the deeper realizations that the sutras have. However, How Yoga Works also has never given me a headache from too much thought. 

My participation in class this week has continued to surprise me. Yes, it does get incredibly annoying being limited to certain poses and being the only person not doing a certain pose, but this state is only temporary. One of the most exciting things that I have experienced in class was when we were planing good seeds for putting our legs behind our head. This is a pose that I even had doubts for me being able to do it. I knew that there was a way for me to work towards it, but I had no clue what the way was. This has gotten me incredibly excited for some of the most difficult poses, arm balances, and inversions that require one leg behind your head. 

One thing that would be nice would be to have a little more meditation time, guided or unguided. I have experienced breakthroughs in this class that I have not experienced before from Dr. Schultz's savasana. This has been true even more so after I came to terms with my sexual orientation. Whenever we are meditating, turning our senses inward to perceive the soul, I feel like I actually get there. There is a golden light deep in the darkness. Using my breath, I can make it brighter and brighter, filling all the darkness with a golden light that gives me peace. Once I realized that it was okay to be who I am, that light got blindingly bright and warm. Since then, I have felt more calmness and confidence in who I am. Just because I am in a heterosexual relationship does not mean that I would not have the capacity to fall in love with another man (heaven forbid something were to ever happen to Abby, who I firmly believe is my one, true love in life). I would greatly appreciate more practice in my meditation, so that I can continue to learn how to do it on my own and truely dwell in the splendor of my soul. 

Until next time, my fellow yogis and yoginis, be unapologetically brave.

Namasté,

Upward-facing Bear